Women rock!

I grew up in a patriarchal society - where the son inherits the property, where the wife goes to the husband's house and takes the husband's name and the children get the father's name.

But where I come from and many other parts of the world - there is a very strong matriarchal society - where the daughter inherits the property, the husband has to go to the wife's house and the husband never takes the wife's name but the children do.

Now as a mom, I think of all the things that I do and what happens if mom is not home or does not have it planned or organized it. You guessed right - nothing gets done or completed if mom is not involved.

Of course until men give birth (actually that already did happen with Thomas Beatie in Oregon but he was a woman first), women still have to go through labor physically and metaphorically. Have you noticed no matter how much the dad does, the kids still need their mom?

Moms are the ones who guide, help, cajole, threaten, bribe or force their children to do things that as moms think are good for their children. It could be reading, playing a sport, dancing, completing a project or following a routine. The children may not agree at the time but some time in the future they will look back and thank their mom.

Now all the while I was growing up I thought the man called the shots not realizing that it is the women who get the job done. So to all the girls out there - it does not matter what you plan on doing when you grow up - but as long as you have a child or children you will always be the most important person in that child's life and will be responsible in shaping that child.

"I get all the glory," says Leah Adler, Steven Spielberg's mother as she walks past one of his movie posters. "I eat it up. And all I have to do is be the mother."

Parenting in this day and age

Have you been listening to the songs on the radio recently? Have you watched any of the shows on TV recently? It really is a challenge for someone who is a parent trying to raise their child on values that you grew up.

We never had to worry about listening to songs that talked about drugs, sex or alcohol. The songs we listened to were poetry from the heart and had hidden meanings that we had to figure out. What ever happened to that?

We never had to worry about shows on television that glorified drugs, sex or alcohol. Now days you can't even hear a conversation that does not have at least a few swear words. Shows were funny and good clean fun that you could enjoy with the family. What ever happened to that?

We never had to worry about exposing our kids to inappropriate material on the Internet. Nowadays it is so easy to get access to material that is inappropriate.
We never had Internet so the rules are all different now.

Nowadays parenting is tough. Most of the parents are not even a traditional two parent family - the kids probably stay with only one parent. Society has changed. The traditional support group of grandparents or the community is harder to find. Kids grow up quicker because they have to deal with too much too soon.

They watch movies and listen to songs with subjects that we dealt with when we were adults. Definition of funny is not hilarious because of a spin of words or slapstick but different that involves a lot of cussing.

So as a parent how do I handle all this? Can I change society? No, but I can establish my own rules - respect for elders, manners and follow the rules. I don't think you are cool if you cuss in front of me - I just think you are out of control.
Treat others how you want to be treated and then see what happens.

I wonder how things will pan out when these kids become parents? Que sera sera..what will be will be...

Bringing up Kids

It is a very scary and daunting task - bringing up children and getting them prepared to face the world fraught of all kinds of dangers, teaching them to make the right decision, learning from their mistakes.

It is also the most rewarding of tasks you will ever do in your entire life or lives. I have utmost respect for those parents who do it alone and for those who adopt. It takes a special kind of person with a big heart to be able to adopt and raise kids, and if those kids are physically or mentally challenged - more power to them.

The hardest thing for a parent is stand by and watch their children make mistakes knowing that some things they have to figure out on their own. Even harder is for a parent to outlive their children.

A point that was constantly driven to me - you only have one chance to raise your kids - once that chance is over - nothing you do can ever make up for it. Another point was children watch and learn so they learn by example. Do what you want them to do so that they can see how you react and make decisions - actions speak louder than words. The problems don't go away once the children get older - the problems just get bigger with them.

Once a mom, always a mom right?

To work or not to work...

I am sure there are countless mothers who go through this dilemma in their lives - do I go to work or do I stay home and raise kids?

For some there is not much of a choice - you have to pay bills and put food on the table - you have to go to work. For some others it is a choice - only one spouse can have a demanding career and yet for some it is a calculated choice - I stay home now with the baby and go back to work when the kids go back to school.

In the European countries, women are encouraged to stay home and raise their kids, and in some cultures it is a given. In the United States there are both - women who stay home and those who try and do it all. Nothing wrong with either in my opinion, however it is a question of balance.

When the kids are babies - they need their mothers - obviously. Nobody will look after their baby like their own unless it is the mom. But at times you will end up leaving your child with a baby sitter - because you have no one else around to help. The sad part is that those who are responsible for caring your most precious possession in the whole wide world is paid below minimum wage yet they have such a huge responsibility.

As the kids get older and they go to school, they still need their parents to help and guide them. Middle school is crucial because this is the awkward age, when the things their friends say will define how they look at life. Instilling confidence at this age is imperative, it gives them the courage to make the right decision.

By the time they get to high school, they have found what they have been looking for in their social lives, so they spend an inordinate amount of time with their friends and less time with their family. I guess it is preparation for when they leave home for college and they have to fend for themselves anyway.

The question of going to work starts to bother you when either you feel unfulfilled because suddenly you realize that 15 years have passed and your qualifications are out of date or you can't afford half the things cause you don't have that disposable income.

So what is the conclusion? You do what you have to do. Will it affect your kids if you work? No - they will learn to adjust in situations because you have taught them how to. Will they be spoilt if you stay home - No, not if you do everything for them. It is all about balance, give and take, sharing and caring.

Secret of taking the ACT/SAT successfully

For those not familiar with the ACT and SAT - it is the American College Test and the Scholastic Aptitude Test are the standardized tests that are taken in the United Sates by 11th graders in order to get into college. The scores on those tests are what the colleges use to sift the wheat from the chaff so to speak.

I went to one of the coaching classes and was fascinated to find out that here too you have to use the positive thinking concept in order to succeed. The tests are just that - tests. It is a question af how you take the test -so if you are not a good test taker then take them a few times so you know how to take the test.

If you think about it - the concepts used to take the test are the same as when you train for a marathon or a dance or a task that requires a tremendous amount of concentration. You focus, prepare, breathe, plan and execute. Most important, you have to look at the task as something you can achieve in the time that is allotted. You have to believe and not get overwhelmed by all that is happening.

There is a technique to study and a technique to do well. It all boils down to planning, literally to the last minute. To make it challenging, you give yourself only 50 minutes. When you are under pressure - your brain learns to make decisions in a small amount of time. Then you further break it down to each section and number of minutes per question based on number of questions.

The trick is not to dwell on each question but to spend only the planned time on each question - so if you still have not figured it out - move on and come back later. Now you know why you gave yourself only 50 minutes?

So are these tests on how well you will do in college? Umm no -All it shows is your basic understanding of language and math, do you follow instructions and how good are you at taking tests?

So how well did yo do your tests?

Decision time

Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so that I could tell my kids if the choices they made are the right ones. Sometimes I wish I could tell if the choices I made are the right ones.

This time of life is hard - both for parents and children. This time meaning summer before senior year of high school. It is time to make that crucial decision - which college to go to. Unlike when I was growing up - there is more than just plain academics that are involved. Academics does play a major role but there are other factors that are involved as well - the essay, the extra curricular, the leadership skills - all of that and more.

We have gone on so many college tours - after a while it all blended together. We have talked to so many people in so many positions at colleges including professors, counselors, admission committee members - but none of them could give you a straight answer - it all depends - was the common answer to the question - will I get admitted to this college.

The decisions you make at this time is important - early decision, early admission, binding, non binding - you plan and calculate what you want, where you want to go, how far is it, big school or small school, urban or rural, public or private - so many decisions. The colleges are narrowed down, the application is out. This is the summer of essay writing - where you put on paper why you think you are the best student to go that school.

I really wish I had a crystal ball but I don't. So all I can say to those in the same boat is - believe in yourself, don't listen to the naysayers, put your heart into writing those essays and keep working hard even in your senior year of high school because it ain't over till it is over.

Being a parent

During a discussion, the topic of being accountable came up. What would prompt an adult to put blame on other people rather than accept the fact that they were wrong?
You have to learn to be accountable for your actions. That is something your parents strive to teach you.

I remember my parents telling me that somethings you will not understand until you are a parent yourself. I see that now. There is blood tie to your child and no matter what kind of person they are, their joys are your joys and their sorrows are your sorrows and you will do whatever it takes to make sure that they succeed.

So when an adult acts like a spoilt child - it just makes me wonder if they have ever been in a situation where they had to think of someone other than themselves. Being a parent makes you responsible and accountable for everything that you do. It also forces you to put somebody other than yourself above everything. Give up sleep, take off work, work two jobs - do whatever it takes.

Being a parent makes you appreciate sleep, good health and quiet time.

Youngsters

George Bernard Shaw was right when he said "It's all that the young can do for the old, to shock them and keep them up to date."

It suddenly hit me as we go graduation party hopping that I am going to be short one teenager next year. Which means my younger one will have to figure things out on his own. I don't think that hit any of us until today.

Poor guy! I am not sure how much facebook and phones are going to help, but from what I have seen - not a whole lot. This was a one year notice into how things are going to be - we have to plan accordingly. I had to ask my high schooler to give me tips on what to do to survive. She was giving me tips. She may have to write a book on how her brother has to survive high school.

I don't know how parents with more than 2 children handle it. Every time I miss a date or deadline because of an overwhelming schedule, I feel guilty and miserable thinking I failed them. I wonder how the parents with 4 and 5 kids manage. They must be extremely organized and have lots of help.

I wait to hear from the kids on all the things that go on - the new technology and gadgets that most teenagers cannot seem to live without. I do rely on them t keep me informed. As far as shocking me - I think every generation just gets worse. It is a question of what you will put up with and what rules you have. And no matter how much they whine , kids love rules.

So as far as surviving high school - how do you do it - plan and execute with extreme care. I wish all of us the very best.

Graduation Season

The month of June and July is extremely busy with a flurry of graduation parties.

In this part of the world, the tradition is to host an open house for high school graduation. Friends drop in, say hi, give a token gift, eat food, see the pictures and go to the next grad party.

Interesting observation was that if you go to the American grad parties - the guest are all kids - meaning the friends of the graduating senior. There are no adults - meaning there are no adults accompanying their child to a friend's graduation party unless of course it is to an Indian grad party.

It must be the culture, cause everything is a family affair including the grad party. It truly is a mixed crowd - cause you have the non Indian kids who come alone and the Indian kids who come with their parents. Most of the kids dress casually while some do dress up. There is tons of food - after all the teenage crowd is a hungry one, and volleyball to keep the kids occupied and of course chai.

I was chatting with another parent when we were wondering where the chai was. It was on the table earlier but seemed to have since disappeared. Not finding any in the vicinity, I went and asked the help and came back with a steaming cups of chai. Never underestimate the power of chai. I had people come up to me asking me where I found the chai - there is just something about a cup of steaming hot chai on a cool summer evening that makes it just perfect.

As we sipped our perfect cup of tea we were struck with the difference in the generations. This class of 2010 have no fear. The world is their oyster and they have grandiose plans. We, growing up, I know had plans too but for some reason it did not sound as lofty as the current graduating class. It must be the age. So bold, so carefree so idealistic.

This was the first time I heard of a doctor not wanting his son to follow in his footsteps. He did not want his son to be saddled with a 300 thousand dollar loan and with no guarantee of a job especially with health care going the way it is now. We as parents must do our duty and make them aware of the pitfalls of certain decisions.

They all have lofty goals and plan to do great things I wish them all the very best of luck - after all they are the future.

Making a man out of the boy

My son always wants to know when he is going to hit puberty. Being a year younger than everyone else and shorter than most puberty has yet to catch up with him.

While all the other boys are growing tall - his legs are definitely getting long, because I have to get him new pants. While all his friends voices are breaking, his is still very much a high pitched voice. He is waiting for the time when he has a mustache and he can shave - he has been practising but that does not seem to accelerate the process.

In my mind he is still my baby - but he is in such a hurry to grow up. And I want him to be prepared. Having an older sister definitely helps in the socializing department. He gets the lowdown on all the fashions, movies and latest gossip. But what happens when his sister has gone off to college? He has to be prepared to face the world and survive. Growing up is tough.

So we had decided that this was the summer we would do it - make a man out of him - by learning to cook. There is an underlying reason for this you know - girls love guys who can cook. Of course it was suggested by the expert on what girls like - his sister.

All jokes aside - I am a firm believer that everybody should know how to do everything. You don't have to do everything but you should know how. For boys - it is learning to cook and do laundry. I also expect boys to treat women with respect and not cuss in public.

I always thought it was the father that boys emulate - and they do. Fathers are their heroes but it seems like it is the mom's job to guide them in that path. A woman's job is never done.

Are you a mean mom?

I remember an article talking about being a mean mom and how good it is for your kids - cause that is what keeps them safe.

I never realized that until my daughter talked to me about her out of town school trip. Now she is not exactly the neatest or organized of people and like most teenagers she needs to be told a million times before she actually gets up and does what she is asked. However, while she was on this trip - she was the one who kept trying to pick up and keep the room clean. She said "I kept hearing your voices in my head to clean up and I could not sleep until I did."

That is when I realized that the constant repetition does get through their heads eventually. There was a time when I was tired of hearing the sound of my own voice, repeating the same thing over and over again - but I am glad that I still do it.

Kids love order and rules. If they don't have it - they have no idea what they are capable of. Most organizations have rules. You cannot live in society and expect to get away with not following rules. "I want to go to a school that has rules- so that I can break them" - says my rebellious teenager.

So have heart - if you are the kind of parent that repeats the same request until it gets done, are strict about curfews, want to know who their friends are, you are their parent and not their friend, monitor what they watch, say or do on the web, let them know when you are disappointed in their behaviour, expect them to meet certain expectations - that's okay - your kids really do want it - they just don't know it yet.

Teenagers

A teenager is defined as one who wants to be treated like an adult but are not expected to behave like one.
When I think about it - I think it is the hardest time of life - you are constantly under pressure to do well in studies, nobody tolerates your mood swings cause your hormones are going wacky in your system, everything you do is a reflection of how you are brought up and you have to become a well rounded individual so that you can get into college. A very tall order if you ask me.

But what stumps me is how do kids whose parents do everything for them get away with surviving when they go off to college. Maybe I am asking this a little too early since my teen is not yet in college or maybe I have not heard of those who did not survive or learnt it the hard way - yet.

I have taught my kids to be independent - but every child is different. What trick that works with one, definitely does not work with the other. As a parent you have to be careful that the younger one does not become a clone of the older one and you recognize their passions.

Passion comes from within - and the kids need to be guided to find that passion. Every child in this world is really good at something - as a parent it is our job to help them find it. Some kids are smart and find it on their own where as others need help. Some find it early in their life, while for some it takes a while.

For some parents there is a predefined path that they think their kids should follow. There is nothing wrong in that since they know that it works - but if your child is not passionate about that path and voice their opinion, as a parent it is imperative that you listen to them. After all if they don't want to become a doctor or engineer does not mean they are a failure.

Stay courageous

I know my child is getting bullied at school. I am definitley going to throw a fit about it and make sure it is nipped in the bud.

As a parent, it is hard to sit back and watch. What is even harder is knowing how he fells cause you went through the same thing yourself. How do you make him come out stronger even though he is not the athletic type? How do you make him get out of situations, when you cannot be there to protect him.

My child is a black belt, but a bully does not understand restraint, only power.

Strength is in making the right decision.
It takes courage to know when to stop.
It takes courage to report a bully before it gets really bad.

A Simple Courtesy

It does not take much but it makes a huge difference. There was a going away party for a 6th grader. My son decided not to go because he had another birthday to go to.
Mistake number one.

I went for the going away party cause I wanted to say farewell. Some kids came, some came later because of other commitments. Another friend also had gone to the same birthday party and still came to the farewell. My son definitely could have gotten a ride. So I asked the mom who brought her son from the party to the farewell - and she said my son declined - Mistake number two.

I called and asked my husband if he could go and pick him and bring him - he declined.

By this time I was furious. When my son arrived home - he came up to me saying - I know I am going to get yelled at. O yes he was most definitely going to get yelled at.

Being part of a social group is so important for preteens but I think even more important is being part of the popular social group. And that is what happenned in this case.

What he had to realize is that small courtesis like stopping by and saying bye even when you have other things to do reflects on you as a person and how you value relationships. It may be a simple thing but it goes a long way.

So the next time he has to make a decision, he has to put himself in the other person's shoes and see if that is the right decision.

Hope he remembers the next time he has conflicting social events.

Who thought..

..you would be competing against your own? I was at a party where most of the parents had kids who were college bound in less than 2 years. As discussions started leading towards college tours and how do you figure out what college you need to go to, the topic came to quotas.

A statement was made that everythng was a quota. After all if you gave the admissions only to the kids who had it all, you would have only Asians for the most part in the top ten colleges.

Why you ask? Ask any Indian parent. They will do anything for their children's education. However what most parents don't realize is that as you get your kids to be really good academically, in community services, extra curricular and leadership, that is what every other kid's parent is also doing. As a result what do you have - a pool of Indian kids who are so bright that they are all competing against each other for the top 10 school sin the country.

So what does that mean? It means that if you are a Asian Indian boy - you have very little or no chance of getting into an ivy league school because you are competing with every other indian kid in the country. Quite a crapshoot, isn't it?

So what do you do? You still study really hard - but when you go to undergrad, maybe look at the top 10 schools as a goal for grad school.

But then everything depends on luck.

I know you can hear me but are you listening?

How do you get across to an extremely intelligent preteen that you need to apply yourself so you can succeed in life?
How do you answer them when they say that they are afraid to disappoint so they don't even try?
How does a parent explain the importance of being good as a person and as a student to be successful.
How do you distnguish between the unconscious manipulation of a child as a survival instinct versus a conscious manipulation as a character flaw?

I don't have answers for all of the above but I do have an idea how I am planning to approach it. Once a parent, always a parent. You always want your child to succeed. Some succeed with just a little guidance whereas others need a lot more work. If you ask anyone the definition of success, they all have different meanings. For me - it is the ability to do anything that you want whenever you want. In order to do that you have to have the resources and the intelligence to do so.

That is why education is important. Take tough problems early so that you get used to solving them. Be honest and work hard and people will recognize it. As a parent when you see the qualities of your children - good or bad - point it out. Given your experience as a parent - you can tell them the highs and lows of certain behavior.

You nudge, push, yell, scold, hug, threaten, bribe, cajole and reward - whatever it takes to make them see reason. In the end all you can do is hope and pray that they cared enough or were scared enough to listen.